Perspective Taking Part 1
I have been wanting to write about taking perspective for a while - it’s such an important concept and I’ve posted some IG posts about it, but it’s really something bigger than just ‘think about perspective!’. This is not something that came to me as a teacher working in a residential school, or in a therapeutic day school, or in a public school, or in mentoring and leading behavior analysts and behavior technicians….and in hindsight, with all of the kids and families that I have worked with over the years, this is a definite learned skill that comes with age. Also it was something pointed out to me by my former therapist when discussing my relationship with my parents…but digress. (also, therapy is a great thing!)
While I will speak more on this topic in general, I just returned from Spring Break vacation with my family. For the plane ride, I downloaded some documentaries on Netflix to watch that I had had on my watch list for a long time but never got to. The first one took up the most time, and I was riveted. This is a broader topic than just perspective taking, and I won’t get into ALL of the issues that rose to the surface while I was watching because that would take a LOT of pages, but the biggest topic that I kept coming back to was perspective. Now I know you have no idea what I am referring to, so let me give you the run down.
The documentary was about a residential school program for out of control kids (mainly teenagers). It was supposed to be therapeutic (which is likely why it originally caught my attention, having worked in therapeutic school and really enjoyed my time there overall), but it was more like a prison. The story revolved around several of the survivors of this school - the documentarian herself had been a student there. She was literally kidnapped in the middle of the night and driven there. Scared Straight type tactics. For teenagers - whose brains have not yet fully developed, who don’t have complete control over their emotions or impulses, this is traumatic.
Students weren’t allowed to talk to one another, look at one another, do anything really. Adults were hired to ‘watch’ them - which was really just giving people whose own lives were likely out of control (these schools are often built in areas that are economically suffering so these jobs provide some stability and some control). Training for staff was non-existent. No certified teachers. No psychologists or social workers. No de-escalation training. Nothing.
Students were put on point systems and needed a set number of points to move levels…and needed to get past certain levels to ‘graduate’. Complaining to parents in letters led to demerits. Intake testing results for drugs was often hidden from parents and families - making parents believe their child had drugs in their system when they arrive even if they had never even been around drugs.
A couple of times a year, students were able to engage in ‘fun’ days. That’s when marketing took the photos. Put those photos in brochures. Gave these photos to parents. Looked like a great place.
I could go on and on about all of the awful things, and maybe I will on another topic BUT since perspective taking is really what was on my mind, I will focus on that.
-From the students’ perspectives, their parents had abandoned them. They didn’t really want them around. They didn’t get to go home for birthdays or holidays. Visits could be earned, but students couldn’t complain during those supervised visits. They lived 3-4 kids in a room, had adults watching them do everything, were only allowed a small amount of personal items. Education wasn’t a priority since all their education was self directed on a computer. Grades were not assigned so no longer something parents seemed to care about.
-From the parents’ perspectives, their kids were out of control, headed for trouble, lost. Then they talk to this program who talks about rehabilitating, fixing them. Shows parents happy kids in these brochures. Parents were only ever in the main office or meeting room, where the walls were wood paneled and had photos of smiling students on the walls. Seems like the obvious next step in a family that is struggling and doesn’t know what to do next.
-From the school’s perspective, they are manipulating parents into spending a LOT of money to send their kids to this program. They know if the staff were to complain or try to open an investigation a LOT of people in an already economically struggling area would lose their jobs. So the community was manipulated. They knew if they had this point system in place, a LOT of these kids would keep dropping down the point ladder and have to stay there longer (= more $).
Now do I think anyone in this had good intentions? Likely. I imagine the parents were so worried about their kids and thought this was something that would help them in the long run. That they were doing the right thing. Many now know that is not the case and have to live with that.
While this is many faceted, what I want to focus on is the kids. When a kid at any age is acting out, we truly need to look at the WHY. Many parents internalize these actions, “why are you doing this to me?” “how can you act this way when I provide you with love, food, a home?”. And while this is a normal reaction from a human being, it is so so crucial to stop, look, and listen. Adults have fully formed brains. They can see cause and effect relatively easily IF they take a step back to see what those are. We as parents CANNOT solve problems with our kids by guilting them or focusing in on how it makes them feel. We HAVE to look at what the child is feeling - however hard that might be in any given moment. This also can give us pause to try to see what is happening through our child’s eyes, and could possibly prevent us from allowing outside sources to convince us to do something labeled to ‘help’ our child which may instead ‘harm’ them in the long run.
Ok, to connect the dots to day to day parenting of kids of all ages:
Say you have a 4 year old, like mine. The dentist pointed out that they are likely grinding their teeth at night, and you start noticing them doing that when they are sleeping.
Why does one grind their teeth? Often it comes from anxiety or stress.
My spouse’s first reaction to that initially was ‘what does a 4 year old have to be anxious or stressed about? I’d love to live their day to day life?”. Fair reaction, human. BUT a 4 year old’s world is so much smaller than an adult’s world. They don’t have any control over their own day to day, they get told ‘NO’ a lot, they don’t always understand the rules of the environment they are in, they don’t know what to expect, they don’t have the best awareness of the passage of time ... .I can go on. Here’s where a parent’s job really comes in. Instead of throwing your hands up and saying ‘that’s ridiculous, they cannot possibly be stressed’, pause for a moment and put yourself in their position to try to see what they are seeing and feel what they are feeling. This doesn’t take a lot of time, helps you to process before you react to a tantrum, or a sassy response, or a refusal to do what you ask. Helps you to take a beat instead of being emotional AND helps you problem solve in the moment to work through it WITH your child instead of just forcing something to happen (which I 100% promise will lead to tears).
I know this particular post was a little rambly, and stemmed from a severe case of parents’ perspective being manipulated in a harmful way, but what I want you to think about is how can you lower your stress, your family’s stress and conflict, when it arises? If you take that step back to look at the situation through your child’s eyes, you:
Stay calmer yourself (good for you, and also good for your child who relies on you)
Gain a better understanding of the problem (be it obviously big, small, or somewhere in between)
AND
Help problem solve with your child in a more effective and sometimes efficient way
You’d be amazed most days how these simple shift in responding has so much power. You are your child’s safe space. They don’t do things to you to make you feel bad - you are their safety net to handle their big emotions they held in all day at school, to test out reactions, to push boundaries. And while it is a parent’s job to correct and appropriately shape that behavior, it can be hard because we are human too. But these small tweaks to our reactions to our children can vastly improve our home life and our relationships long term with these little people we love so much who are going to grow into amazing adults.
So…just another food for thought. If you are actively looking for help because things at home seem just too hard, you are doing the right thing. Keep up the good work, and just like we pick up our kids when they stumble, give yourself grace when you trip up as well.
